Change is Certain… And Painful

Three words I never thought I’d say: Mom is terminal.

Three crushing words. I can start crying at any given moment. It’s amazing how many things make me think of her and how my life will never be the same again.

I’m in a unique spot, being the youngest of nine children… And still single with no children to boot–no family of my own. Going home for holidays has been everything to me. Whenever anyone has asked me “Are you going to San Jose for <fill in the holiday>?” My answer has always been “yes, of course.” Because, really, what else would I do? Now I find myself dreading the holidays ahead. Dreading the thought of no longer having “my place” to go and that support system that has always been at 1124.  I know I’m welcome in my friend’s and family member’s homes, but it isn’t the same.

Seeing my Mom decline so quickly is dreadful. I know she doesn’t want to be a burden on us, but I wish I could do more. It’s just something you can never imagine going through. At moments feeling like it isn’t real… and others feeling it is TOO real.

Don’t ever take your parents or your family members for granted because you never know how much time you have, regardless of their age.

Role Reversal

Not sure not the exact moment that the roles reversed. In a small way it happened years ago when my parents no longer knew more than I did. Then memory starts becoming an issue… Little things along the way have shown me that I needed to learn a patience I never really had before. 

And then there’s the health issues – the day when you find yourself taking them to the hospital. When you’re making sure they are eating properly. It’s tough. 

I imagine it’s tough on them too. I know they don’t want to be a burden because my mom told me so. Burden isn’t the right word, but the reality is that they have grown old. And they have been sick. My dad cognitively isn’t doing well, which makes it tough on Mom. I wonder if he has moments where he feels different? Inadequate? I hope not. 

I don’t have any children of my own, but now we’re basically in charge of them. Of their health. Their well-being. And for me it comes with a deep sadness on many levels. This is the only family I have, and this is the beginning of where it all changes. 

It happens in most families, so this isn’t any shocking revelation or anything… But it sucks. A lot. So there it is.